Wednesday, June 22, 2016

An Exploration of Necrovore Logic

The first rule of necrovore logic is that necrovores don’t engage in logical patterns of thinking, therefore it is useful to frame their version of reality in a context of Bizarro World, a spinoff of the comic book series Batman originally released in the early 1960s.  Bizarro World takes place on htraE, a cube-shaped planet where everything and everyone is either silly or backwards.

Necrovore “logic”, like Bizarro World, is inverted.  In our world, eating corpse flesh (meat), titty-juice from non-human animals (dairy), and vaginal secretions of hens (eggs) has been proven in study after study to be absolutely unnecessary and fabulously destructive to human health, yet necrovores continue to suck down dead bodies and torture squirts as if they didn’t cause cancer, diabetes, MS, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s, etc.

Necrovore doctors, true to their Bizarro aesthetic, do not truly practice medicine outside the realm of bonesetting and appendix removal.  Instead, their role is to prop up large insurance and drug cartels while pretending to provide “care” for the masses of other necrovores who pretend not to know better.

I Don’t Drink That Much Beer

If you want to truly understand the logic of the necrovore, find yourself a dive bar where alcoholics like to congregate.  Then ask a random sad looking, red nosed, beer-bellied dude why he keeps drinking even though his wife left him and he blacks out every weekend he’s not in the hospital waiting for his liver to fail.  You will hear all of the same reasons necrovores trot out when they are confronted about their own bad habits: it feels good, I can stop anytime I want, all my friends are doing it.

Necrovore logic resembles superstitious faith, the sort of “my destiny is whatever I believe it is going to be” sort of crap pushed by New Age crackpots.  Necrovores cannot recognize the concept of actions having consequences, and believe that the sheer act of conformity will magically save them as individuals from the consequences of the crimes on their plates.   The mantra of the necrovore is “It won’t ever happen to me”, in reference to everything from health problems to the coming extinction of nearly all life on the planet.   Never mind their own children and grandchildren will suffer in the bottlenecks and eventual extinction they’ve partially caused; that whole “I’d do anything for my kids” thing comes to a screeching halt if it means being the only vegan at a party or forgoing the convenience of a fast food joint because it doesn’t offer a vegan option.


Logic Hint: If you can’t eat it raw without risk of dying, you probably shouldn’t eat it at all

Necrovores are irresponsible creatures incapable of understanding their controlled substances of choice are toxic both to themselves and the environment.  Necrovore "food", almost without exception, cannot or should not be eaten raw because of disturbing consequences, such as:
-Disease from feces from both the flesh/secretion itself and the fact animals crap themselves
-Salmonella
-Flesh eating Staphylococcus aureus (turns out what you eat can eat you)
-Shigella
-Listeria
-Brain-eating, epilepsy-causing tapeworms (pork and sushi)

Though any rational person would think: “Oh okay, I’ll just make cookie dough I can eat without the inherent risk of shitting myself to death afterwards”, the necrovore cannot process anything that resembles common sense and continues to indiscriminately chow down on whatever she or he is offered by the surrounding group of idiots.  In some cases, necrovores eschew raw flesh and secretions in favor of cooked, whimsically “forgetting” the science linking their addiction to just about every human ailment outside of the Black Plague.  Sadly, necrovores indoctrinate their children from infancy to believe the same set of peasant superstitions, hence the phenomenon of little kids eating hotdogs (processed meat is a carcinogen on the level of cigarettes and asbestos according to the WHO).

The Cow Says Moo!

Necrovores are defensive of their baroque forms of rationalization, such as the one about plants having feelings.  When a rational human is confronted with a necrovore spewing the Ad Plantarum fallacy, the best approach is not to engage.  However, if one has a great deal of time to kill and feels the need to be a do-gooder, the most effective method of getting through a necrovore’s thick skull is to dumb it down to his level, for instance:

Q. What does the cow SAY?
A. MOO

*lightning bonus round*

Q. What does the cow EAT?
(Please choose one)

A. Rocks
B. Air
C. Rainbows
D. Unicorn farts
E. Rainbow unicorn farts covered with rocks and puffed with air
F. Grass
G. A slurry of ocean bycatch, dead shelter animals, with OODLES of GMO soy

If the necrovore answers F., gently inform him that he has just lost, because even though only a tiny percentage of farmed cows are fed grass, it still means his ass got owned by Ad Plantarum, as it takes at least 17x the amount of plant-matter in the form of grass to feed to a cow compared to using the same space to feed a human directly.  If he answered G., he has lost and has also begun to admit a truth versus his utopian “I’m okay, you’re okay” Matrix of delusion, so you should give him a little pat on the back.

Necrovores eat dead and rotten body parts, fermented, congealed tit milk, and hen abortions like it is going out of style, probably because it is going out of style.  Their actions have never been nor ever will be grounded in rational thinking, so the best we can do is to be glad we no longer dwell in their bass-ackward mental cesspool.

2 comments:

  1. How many centuries am I going to have to wait until that's all considered common sense.

    ReplyDelete
  2. How many centuries am I going to have to wait until that's all considered common sense.

    ReplyDelete