Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Hillary and the $10,000 Umbrella Stand that F**ked the World

You can trust this person... to hide from the nuclear apocalypse she orchestrated!
The year 2019... the Earth is deep in a nuclear winter.

The United States is but a smoking rubble heap; a gray, cold, sulphur-stinking open pit of skeletal half-buildings, endless ruined tract housing, blown out bridges and abandoned cars.  The rest of the world isn't doing too great either, suffering inconveniences such as skin-eating acid rain, radiation cancers, birth defects, and mass starvation.

This is what happens when you piss off countries with more power than you.

Safe tho

Somewhere, President Hillary Clinton cackles in her tricked-out secret bunker.  While Russia and China blew the US to smithereens, she and her one percent pals giggled like a rapist who received a few month's jail time instead of a prison sentence because of white privilege.  While the cities of the US were blown back into the year 5 billion B.C, Hillary and pals sipped fine wine from the province of Burgundy that cost 3x as much as some poor kid's cancelled college scholarship.

He won't need it though.  He's dead.

Outrageous!  How did we ever let it get to this point?  How could the US elect a psychopathic warmonger clearly and blatantly overjoyed to push the red button?  Wasn't there some other guy running who didn't have a dead, bleach-orange ferret on his head?

Don't blame Hillary Clinton or the unhinged Illuminati bankers and Monsanto executives who pull her puppet strings hiding in bunkers.

Blame the real culprit.

Blame Hillary's $10,000 umbrella stand.

Hillary Clinton has not been human since her days as a Goldwater Girl, that halcyon era when she still was able to use her pudgy, vanilla pudding brand of sensuality to advance herself to the highest executive bidder.  Hillary's complete lack of personal conviction and spongy morality made her a easy target for sleazebags, hence her marriage to Bill Clinton.  She was also vulnerable to a far more secret, potent adversary of mankind, the $10,000 umbrella stand.

The innocuous $10,000 umbrella stand.  You might think it is just a normal umbrella stand, but expensive.

You would be DEAD WRONG.  All umbrella stands are inherently diabolical because they are the embodiment of demonic space entities who were trapped in the center of the Earth millions of years ago.  Umbrella stands priced at 10K and above are the heads of the Mystical Ultimate High Priesthood of Umbrella Stands, or MUH-PUS.

Umbrella stands are obsessed with nuclear war, regardless of the fact many umbrella stands perish in nuclear wars.  Like Hillary Clinton, umbrella stands don't understand what nuclear war means, because they have no concept of actions causing consequences.

Really, what do you expect from a demonic umbrella stand?

Hillary Clinton once had a soul

I do realize I am asserting the ludicrous notion Hillary Clinton once had a soul.  Back when Hillary identified as a RepubliKKKan, there were a few glimmers of humanity buried under all that pathological, white girl hatred of black men.  Though most of her personality has sought power for its own sake the majority of her life, at one point Hillary had a small internal debate about whether or not to cheat on an exam.  Of course she chose to cheat, duh (how else do you think she became President?) yet there was a tiny spark of "Maybe I shouldn't cheat."  Once this weak glow was mercilessly stamped out, Hillary's thoughts wandered to home decor.

Home decor as a gateway drug!

Hillary is the exact type of white person that owns an umbrella stand, which gave the demonic entity a way in.  Pricey umbrella stands have always been de rigeur in certain greedy circles, as it is the finishing touch to a rich person's grand foyer.  One might argue that the umbrella stand is even more essential than the Farrow & Ball wallpaper or the hand-knotted wool rug washed in the tears of Persian children.

Of course Hillary had to have an umbrella stand -- how could she even pretend to concern herself with issues like universal health care (LOL that didn't happen) or affordable college education (don't even ask) when HER FOYER HAD A CHEAP UMBRELLA STAND?  Sure, Hillary's corpulent, middle class, divorced housewife equivalent in her tacky, $650,000 new construction vinyl-siding suburbox is satisfied with a $90 umbrella stand from HomeGoods (ugh can you even?), but Hillary Clinton knows she deserves better.

Umbrella stand goes to war

The umbrella stand, once in Hillary's life, began to run the show, because that's what demonic umbrella stands do.  Libya?  Overthrow the government!  Syria?  Same thing!  NATO?  Bring that shit right up to the Russian border!  ISIL?  Sell them some guns!  Ukraine?  Fund neo-Nazis in the name of democracy!  Hillary might not have known who she was pissing off (or maybe she thought she was doing it to profit from war and steal oil), but the umbrella stand knew full well.  Overworked, Kardashian-addicted 'Muricans were nonplussed when Hillary's and her cronies tried their illegal coup in Ukraine -- 'Muricans had other things to think about, such as how to get to the next paycheck without becoming homeless -- but once she started recruiting 18 - 25 year old young men and women for her suicidal campaign against Putin, even the dim-witted dullards of 'Murica knew they were in for it.

As she had done many times in the past, Hillary & Co. manufactured a false flag bombing of a city.  This time it was European city close to the Russian border, so even though nobody believed it, she claimed Russian terrorist anti-US militants were responsible.  One thing led to another, and soon Hillary was sending bombs and and a few, proud, disposable young men from the states of North Carolina and Kentucky to become "heroes" in Moscow.  Not a lot, just a couple thousand of them to show them the US meant business.


One dead world empire and severely-bottlenecked population later, there aren't any Americans left to put Hillary's head on the stake where it belonged all this time.  Any Americans who survived are too busy watching their children die of starvation and radiation sickness to care about some greedy politician and her foyer accessory (along with some fine linens and well-considered dining room seating) holed up in a lava-proof bunker in Iceland.


  1. Haha, I literally have tears streaking my cackling gob this morning thanks to you!

  2. Burgundy that cost 3x as much as some poor kid's cancelled college scholarship. travel umbrella