The upcoming American election has brought out hysterics, vacuous trolls, and borderline-violent wackadoos in profusion, each more adamant than the next that life on this planet will end if his candidate is not chosen. This is normal and expected, however, it is amplified by the internet as bottom-dwelling nutjobs everywhere turn their brief attention spans away from porn to voice their opinions on Which Rich Person Gets To Rule the World.
Dutifully and gullibly they file to their local polling places, blackening ovals and getting a red, white, and blue sticker for their efforts. Somebody wins, and by somebody I mean somebody in the top echelons gets richer at the expense of the bottom and middle, whose kids cannot afford college without staggering debt or who have to go into medical bankruptcy. But I digress.
In this essay, I will postulate three scenarios for two candidates. One is a toupeed Cheeto version of Spongebob with racism Tourette’s. The other is a shrill, deafening, umbrella stand-worshipping genocidal maniac in a pantsuit.
One guaranteed way to drive any devotee of the collapsing Democratic party to her Xanax cabinet is to casually mention a possible Trump presidency. Upon this suggestion, which I would recommend executing online in case she has access to knives, a flame war will occur in which both you and the Flabby Burnt Sienna Nutcracker will be compared to a megalomaniac dictator faster than you can say Reductio ad Hitlerum.
Of course a Clinton presidency is presumed, so nobody faints or goes apeshit looney tunes upon its suggestion. Clinton is the holy resurrection of Obama, and Obama was the resurrection of George W. Bush, or at least G.W.’s policies on war, finance, and other trivial matters.
As I mentioned earlier, two candidates, three scenarios a piece. Scenario One is Best Case Scenario, and/or Highly Unlikely Unicorn Fart and Sparkle Rainbows Version. Scenario Two is What Is Most Likely to Happen. Scenario Three will be Worst Case Scenario.
Since it is still assumed he will lose, let’s start with Donald Trump, shall we?
DONALD TRUMP WINS, BEST CASE SCENARIO:
Defeating all of his critic’s expectations, Donald Trump actually follows through, beginning his presidency by reducing the US’s role in NATO and ending military buildup in the Baltic states. His investment in US infrastructure and schools creates jobs. He creates legislation that forces some American companies to manufacture their products within the US, driving up the price of goods and services. A brief economic slowdown is experienced prior to a boom that ensures his 8 year presidency. He demolishes environmental regulations, resulting in unprecedented pollution of rivers, streams, and air, but nobody thinks long term (not even those with children) so whatever. Let the great-grandkids deal with new and exotic cancers. His restrictions upon immigration and enforcement of existing immigration laws drives wages upward. He hits Control-Alt-Delete on Obamacare as promised and replaces it with an enhanced version of Medicare for all. There are slightly fewer mass shootings because the demonic male population is just so damn happy, they don’t feel like using their guns for anything other than assassinating innocent animals in the forest.
DONALD TRUMP WINS, WHAT IS MOST LIKELY TO HAPPEN VERSION:
You start comparing Trump to Obama by year 2 of his presidency, not because of an increase in self-tanner usage but because his policies turn out to be almost exactly the same as the former. A stalemate in Congress prevents him from ending Obamacare, so that broken parasite of the last of the middle class’s wealth lurches onward, leaving a swath of medical bankruptcies in its wake. You find that when you get sick, you cannot afford to go to the doctor. Trump is able to pass a few laws that help small businesses, which keep the economy from total collapse. He finds himself held hostage by the usual cadre of psychotic bankers and neocons, and therefore unable to withdraw from the dozens of skirmishes, regime changes, and proxy wars the US was embroiled in under Democratic rule. Slightly more money is allotted towards people who served in the military. Trump becomes known as the most hated President of all time, mostly for his dismally unedited soundbites, ridiculous family members, and lack of filter.
DONALD TRUMP WINS, WORST CASE SCENARIO:
Puffed up by a wave of prosperity, success once again goes to Trump’s big orange puffy head. China tries to annex Taiwan and Trump tries some punitive war-games, like heavily taxing all imports from China. Trade with China is fractured and a war nearly breaks out. Trump, wanting desperately to be liked, soothes the hurt fee-fees and goes back to business as usual. The US goes into another long recession and Trump is rightly blamed. Racist cops continue to harass and murder black people and other people of color without interruption.
HILLARY CLINTON WINS, BEST CASE SCENARIO:
The economy lurches on, bolstered by constant war and the continued gutting of the middle class. A renewable energy bubble combined with a new oil discovery in one of the US’s client states results in a slightly less oil-dependent America. By mistake, a referendum is passed that enables a single-payer health insurance system that accidentally demolishes the old system. There are slightly fewer mass shootings because gun control laws are made and semi-enforced. The TPP being passed results in a short-term burst of economic prosperity. Marijuana is legalized at the federal level, further demolishing the old health insurance model and making way for new forms of medicine.
HILLARY CLINTON WINS, WHAT IS MOST LIKELY TO HAPPEN:
Cost of living and housing prices continue to climb. That neighbor of yours who could not get a job because he was holding out for 80K a year becomes homeless and effectively disappears, becoming a nonperson. Your health insurance bill goes up… again. Everyone inches ever-closer to not being able to afford their lives, except for the people in the rich neighborhood. Some new country is chosen for regime change and refugees stream outward. The weather gets weirder and weirder, with 107 degree temperatures in April in some places. Planned Parenthood is given more funding, which causes Christians everywhere to lose their minds despite the Bible being hunky-dory with abortion. Oil prices rise when Clinton is re-elected to a second term and fracking begins to come back at the end of her term.
HILLARY CLINTON WINS, WORST CASE SCENARIO:
Clinton “accidentally” bombs a hospital or orphan’s home in St. Petersburg despite treaties and agreements being firmly in place. In return, Putin says: “Just stahp.” Clinton does not listen and lobs a small, thinkable (according to Nobel Peace Prize winner, Barack Obama) nuclear weapon at St. Petersburg. Russia responds by shooting it out of the sky somewhere in space and annihilates Los Angeles, New York, and Dallas in return.
Psycho Hillary and her neocon puppet masters return fire, taking out all of Russia’s oil fields and thus crushing Russia’s and Europe’s economy. Oops. Russia responds by annihilating the rest of America outside the three previously mentioned cities, turning the entire northern hemisphere into a chilly, lonely, radioactive glass factory for the next five hundred years. All of these events take place within the span of 30 minutes.
At least global warming was prevented!
At least global warming was prevented!